


Cockfighting

by a_mere_trifle



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst and Humor, Fights, Friendship, Future Fic, Gen, Request Meme, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-15
Updated: 2011-02-15
Packaged: 2017-10-15 16:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/162697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_mere_trifle/pseuds/a_mere_trifle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The indeterminate future. John. Dave. A gay chicken. And Dave doing his best to kick John's ass.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cockfighting

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I filled the same prompt twice. XD And not even the prompt, the comments to the prompt.
> 
> [Prompt](http://captchalogue.livejournal.com/1365.html?thread=853845#t853845):"john  
> dave  
> gay chicken
> 
> WHO WILL BE THE VICTOR"
> 
> Comment: "When I first read this post, I pictured a three-way fight between John, Dave, and a gay chicken, then got really confused. XD"
> 
> And then this happened. XD

"Dude, what the fuck?!" John yelped, narrowly ducking Dave's sword; he observed fleetingly that it actually made the air freaking sing in its wake. He was totally outclassed, but damned if he wasn't going to defend himself.

"Shut up!!" Dave lunged at him again, bits of ash still flying off him; John dodged, with the help of a quick gust, and swung his hammer at Dave's sword with all his might-- hey, it was broken already, so why not?

It didn't break, just sang out another note, clear and true, which didn't really surprise him coming from a weapon of Dave's if he thought about it. Dave jerked away, managing to hold on to it despite the vibrations, and staggered back a couple of steps, with a fiery ( _fire, close enough to sting his skin, the smell of burnt hair_ ) glare.

"Why the hell are you doing this?!" John yelped, not yet daring to put his hammer down.

"W-- shut the _fuck_ up, you know exactly why I'm doing this!!" And Dave came after him again, cheating-quick-- this was how fast he was without screwing with time? How the hell did John technically "outrank" him?!-- John jerked backward, swinging again, missing, but at least Dave had too. John danced to the side, trying to get a better angle, and nearly tripped over something-- he glanced down to see what it was, realizing almost even as he did it that it was a mistake, and could only see something small and brown and vaguely roundish before Dave had taken full advantage, knocking the hammer out of his hand with one powerful swing.

John was thrown, stumbling back; Dave was coming at him again and surely Dave would never really hurt him, would never betray him like this, but he'd been immersed in this complete bullshit for too long not to have developed some battle reflexes that didn't wait for his mind to come up with dumbass excuses. He scrabbled around desperately, found the brown thing (soft, was that feathers?), and threw it at Dave's face.

"W--mmph!" Dave staggered back, dropping his own sword to dislodge the brown flapping thing from his face. John lunged for his hammer, and grabbed it, rolling to his feet just as Dave managed to get the bird (wait, was that a chicken? Where the hell had a chicken come from?!) away from his face.

Dave's shades had fallen off, John realized. And his eyes were swollen and red.

"God fucking _dammit_ ," Dave swore, retrieving his shades from the ground with an utterly uncharacteristic lack of grace, getting his sword almost as an afterthought. John relaxed his stance, just a little; he had a feeling this fight was done.

"Seriously," he said. "What the hell is wrong?"

"Fuck." Dave polished his shades on his shirt for a second, slipping them back on with a sigh. "...How many times do I have to tell you not to fucking get your dumb ass killed, Egbert?!"

"...What?" John blinked. "Dude, I'm fine!"

"Yeah, which is pure fucking luck, jumped into a fucking _volcano_ \--"

"What was I supposed to do, leave you there?!" John shook his head, incensed. "We can't leave you behind! We have no clue what the hell is going on, we need _everyone_ here. _Especially_ you!"

"Dude, I had it covered--"

"It was a _fucking volcano_ , you just said it--"

"--stop blundering into shit half blind before you get yourself killed--"

"--how were you gonna deal with getting set on fire?!"

"That's what I'm meant for, haven't you noticed?! Jesus Christ--" Dave gripped his sword tighter. "Fucking meant to burn, it's how I live, Knight of Time, I've walked through fire, chucked my dead self through a window, my Bro is gone, we don't know where the fuck we are or if the earth's even really back, million miles a fucking minute and fire's _mine_ , Egbert, it's what I do, and the rules have changed so many times-- I don't know if I could save you again, I don't know if it would be for good this time, and what the fuck would I do then?!"

John blinked, mouth open, not sure what to say. This wasn't ironic, not even a little, and he wasn't used to that from Dave at all.

There was a loud squawk; Dave looked down at his leg. "And now this fucking gay chicken has a crush on me," he said. "Thanks a lot, Egbert."

"...You think I could deal with you dying, either?" said John. "Because really, I'll try my best not to die, but you've got to do the same, because I need you. We all need you. You're... you're not _expendable_. You're not expendable at all, and if you ever throw yourself into a fire again-- don't you _look_ at me like that, you did _not_ have a plan!! If you _ever_ decide you're expendable, if you _ever_ try to get your dumb ass killed for one of us, then I swear to holy jegus, man, I will _find_ a way to kick your fucking ass."

Dave swallowed. "...Dude. You're the one on the God Tiers. You think you couldn't?"

"Of course I couldn't. You own at this kind of thing. That's why we need you safe, you idiot!!"

"But--" Dave stopped, shaking his head. "...I really would've been okay, you know."

John looked down awkwardly. "Well, next time tell me that, because I'm not letting you do anything stupid."

"Fine, we can not be fucking morons together." Dave held out a hand; John shook it manfully, twice, before taking advantage of the moment to pull Dave into a hug. Dave froze, at first-- John hadn't expected anything different from him, really-- but relaxed enough to give him a couple awkward thumps on the back by the time John let go.

"So, we're cool?" John said.

"Don't get our dumb asses killed. Think I can remember all that." Dave adjusted his shades.

"Good-- then let's go find Rose and Jade."

"Shit, yes. What if they start _plotting_?"

"...I was more wanting to make sure they were okay, but that's actually pretty terrifying."

"Then let's get the fuck out of here." Dave took a step-- and nearly tripped over the bird, who was still disturbingly attached to his leg. "--Motherfucking brainless feathery cross-species homosexual _cock_."

John did his best not to laugh, and failed completely. "Hey, you finally got a pet! We should name it!"

"Christ, what the hell is it with these fucking _birds_?!"

"It's the wings," John said, nodding sagely. "It doesn't matter if it was an alternate timeline, they can sense it."

"Oh, shut the fuck up, E-- hey, you know, maybe I will name this little genetic dead-end. Welcome to the fucking club, Egg-Bert."

"H--Hey!!"

John had a feeling this nickname wasn't going down without a fight, but that was okay. He'd learned that much from SBurb and the Alternians: they could take down anything in the universe, no contest. Wherever they were, whatever they were about to face-- none of it mattered.

Just as long as they weren't fighting each other.

\--


End file.
